According to the Diva, I am the worse mother in the world because she did not wake up yesterday with a huge flat screen TV or a purebred Chihuahua in her room on her 12th birthday. I tried to save myself by telling her I would take her to Paul Brown's to get a mani-pedi (and in a desperate ploy to save myself, some highlights from Vince) but she said "No", burst into tears and buried her head under layers of futon. Grasping at straws, I told her I did not get her anything since I would take her to pierce her ears. The tears automatically stopped and she went into the living room to tell our in-house ATM, Oscar the Grouch, who said he would not let her get her ears pierced until she turned 16. Am I evil because I knew he would say this and I threw him under the Diva bus to preserve my slim lead as favorite parent?
Unfortunately, I sank to the bottom of the two-person race when I tried to make reservations for Shokudo and the only thing they had available for a party of 8 was a 8:45 opening. I was told that I needed to call two weeks in advance if I wanted anything on a Saturday earlier than 8. This made me realize how totally housebound our lives have become when I assume that nobody else in Oahu goes out to dinner on Saturday at 6:00 pm. Really, Oscar and I were totally stunned that we could not get a reservation for any of the places the twins wanted to go to for their Birthday dinner (granted, they spent another hour or so arguing about where to go so that didn't help).
The bad thing was that I am now at the bottom of the parent pile but the good thing is that the Diva did not talk to me for the rest of the day so it was pretty pleasant on the 20th.
Whenever I look for a sympathetic shoulder of a fellow Mom of a daughter, all I get is a knowing nod and their own horror stories about what the future will bring with a pubescent princess in the house! Really bone chilling, Stephen King-esq, cannot sleep without a pit bull next to you stories of lying, stealing, hating, death-plotting, and even the occasional "pull knife" incident. What is the common thread in all of these stories is that the Demon Daughters have public personas of purity and light, totaly angelic to anyone who does not share their bloodline. My friend BS's daughter is always so cheerful and helpful, volunteering to assist whenever needed. However, according to BS, the public image of her daughter is far from the horrible harpy that lives with her. Whenever I complain about the Diva, BS just laughs and goes, "Oh, it's just starting....." I feel like the 100th/442nd guys must have felt when the WWII guys told them war stories....
My friend AS says the same thing, warns me to be prepared because things will only get worse. Thankfully, has freely shared her pointers on how to counteract the weapons of mass destruction that my once adorable little Hime-sama will soon lob at me in an attempt to assert her pre-teen independence and rid me from the earth once and for all.
It is such a cliche to have your parent tell you that it is just bachi that you are getting back from your daughter what you gave to them. However, I have not heard this once from my folks. In fact, my Dad suggested that we take the Diva to therapy or speak to the school counselor about her behavior - which he perceives equals the psychotic level of Jeffrey Dahmer (without the cannibalism that is). He also suggested that I needed to take her alone to the Hilton for a weekend to "straighten her out". Now, I cannot comprehend why a weekend on the beach or camped out in the spa will somehow turn her from demon to delightful but that's how my Dad does Dr. Phil. Then it hit me, perhaps the Diva had gotten to him, telling him the only way he would be saved from her wrath is to participate in her scheme to have me mysteriously "disappear" on the Waikiki Beach during this therapeutic weekend with her. That is why I'm staying put today and not going to the water park, total unadulterated fear of the Diva having a hormonal episode, tying a cement block to my neck and going all Tony Soprano on me.
I know this sounds far-fetched but the universe has told me that she is the woman in charge of the house. I thought I was menopausal but the moment she got her first visit from Aunty Flo, I got a long-overdue visit from the Crimson Tide! Scary.....
So, if you find my body floating in the Lagoon at the Hilton, send HPD to this blog....
