The twins had their annual back to school physical last month. It's the usual routine. They are humiliated waiting in a room full of toddlers and Oscar the Grouch and I get scoldings for feeding them not a single healthy, fresh, green or unfried thing. Oh, and we always seem to forget somebody's health card. There aren't very many surprises and the most important thing is where in Ala Moana we are going to eat lunch after.
However, this time, as the kids and I drove home, they were whispering to each other which is never a good thing if you have twins. Terrible when they are young, chills down the spine inducing when they are teens. I braced myself for the worst when one said, "We'd better ask Mom about it." I put on my "thank you for sharing but I am totally scared poop-less by your question" face and heard the following.....
QUESTION ONE: "Mom, the doctor talked to us about prison sex but what is prison sex?"
The first thing that popped into my mind (possibly due to my addiction to anything RuPaul) is that one of them had asked the doctor about homosexuality. You know, the whole "whatever gay happens in jail, stays in jail". So, in my pitiful attempt to be an open and honest (and semi-cool Mom), I launched into a clinical discussion of uh butt stuff mixed with repeated choruses of "whether you are straight or gay, we will support you."
This was not met with much positivity but a response "gross, yuck, TMI" and in closing, "I don't think that is what the doctor meant." I asked for clarification and got.....
QUESTION TWO: "What is cun...cun...cun-something?"
The first thing that popped into my mind (possibly due to my occasional viewing of Lifetime movies) was that one of them had asked the doctor about oral sex. Remember how a few years ago, there was a poll that most teenagers (and President Clinton) did not consider a BJ as actual sex? So, I launched into a clinical discussion of uh mouth stuff mixed with repeated choruses "it's still sex and you can still get AIDS and other STDs".
This was met with repeated "gross, yuck, TMI" and in closing, "I dont think that is what the doctor meant." I again asked for clarification and got...
QUESTION THREE: "What is the word when the wife goes to visit the husband in jail and they get to have sex? It sounds like conjoined twins. Con-something."
The first thing that popped into my mind (correctly this time) was the word "conjugal". The chorus this time was simply, "Don't do it but if you do, wrap it up. If you don't wrap it up, you can die from diseases or from me killing you when you have a kid." The twins explained that they each had a private conversation with the doctor in which she used the word "conjugal visit" and neither had any idea what that meant. They said they both nodded and acted like they knew what she was talking about even though they had no clue and pretty much were not listening once she started the conversation (like they do whenever Oscar and I speak to them). They assured me that they were not even close to becoming sexually active and if they got to that point, they would come to us for advice. Then they laughed hysterically. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.
I know it is a really, really scary thing. The thought of your kids hopping into bed with someone, even a fellow acne covered, giggling, totally immature but foolishly believing they are grown-up teenager, is something no parent wants to think about. However, the surreal techno world in which my kids live in is so different from the 8-track tape and typewriter realm that I dwelled in decades ago. If we spoke to our parents about the possibility of being sexually active, it was highly likely we would be fitted for chastity belts and locked into a tower like an Asian Rapunzel until we graduated from college.
All you have to do it look at pop culture to see how different they are from us:
Them - Katy Perry sings about being a "Teenage Dream" while shooting whipped cream from her bra and dancing in front of scantily clad ladies with baked goods instead of chichis
Us - Debby Boone sings "You Light Up My Life" to her one true love, Jesus
Them - unwed parents are celebrities with reality shows, book deals and stints on Dancing with the Stars
Us - unwed parents were sent to the Mainland "to study" and returned months later with a new "brother" or "sister"
Them - pedophiles are busted each week on "To Catch a Preditor"
Us - believed that Michael Jackson really was "just friends" with Webster and Macauley Culkin (and maybe Bubbles)
Them - discussed the lack of grooming after seeing naked photos of Disney star Vanessa Hudgens
Us - parents would not let us watch MTV anymore after Prince performed in that yellow outfit showing his two butt cheeks
Them - go to sweet sixteen parties where part of the festivities include stripper poles (this is TRUE b/c it happened to the Diva yesterday when she went to a party with a "super churchy family")
Us - had to study French to learn what Patti LaBelle was saying in that Lady Marmalade song and even when we found out what it meant, still didn't understand what the song was about
Them - walk unashamedly into Victoria's Secret or Pink to buy undies, bras and, if Dad is not around, thongs
Us - cringed in horror when our Moms announced, "We're going to Sears because you need a training bra!"
Them - want boob jobs as graduation presents
Us - still didn't even have boobs when we graduated
Them - snicker whenever someone says BJ because know what it means
Us - the only BJ we knew was the guy who drove the big rig with his best friend, Bear the monkey
Them - know what it means to come out of the closet
Us - believed our Grandpa's explanation that our dress and makeup wearing Uncle was just getting into character for his upcoming role on Hawaii 5-0
Them - practice dancing so they can "drop it like it's hot" like Nikki Minaj
Us - refused to do the dance move "the sperm" because it was so gross
The one consistent between them and us is, to quote DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Parents just don't understand."
