Real Housewives of Honolulu

I have never been much of a fan of Desperate Housewives. I did watch a little when it first debuted but that was mostly to see the young gardener guy take off his shirt and because I could related to the hilarious and true experiences that the Felicity Hoffman character went through dealing with her children (esp. the twins). After that first season, things felt a little too forced and I felt like I could feel the botox oozing out of the TV whenever I tuned in. I mean, can you really display emotion when your face doesn't move?

I do love, love, love every incarnation of the "Real Housewives" reality program on Bravo though. I cannot relate to anyone on the show nor do I know anyone remotely like them but I am totally addicted. Even more than the shows themselves, I delight in the train wrecks known that are the Reunion shows! Maybe it stems from the love of TV wrestling that I had as a child but I really enjoy overly dramatic fights over absolutely nothing. The words "Yellow Rat" and "Ripper Collins" send the adrenaline pumping through my veins since I know they will be followed by a chair being flung in the air and a bucket of bright red corn syrup "blood" flowing down someone's beer belly tummy. Well, a Real Housewives Reunion show is kind of like that but with Prada bags flying and bloody wounds felt deep in the gut and heart.

Each cast has its own flavor depending on location - no subtlety in casting as housewives are chosen who clearly reflect the stereotypical view of women from that State. Orange County is heavy on the bleached blonde Barbie bimbos, New Jersey is more Italian than The Sopranos, New York is a mix of Jewish-American princesses and pol0 playing white bread Hamptonites,and Atlanta is chocolate ghetto-fabulousness with the exception of the token white girl who really belongs on Orange County. The only yellow housewife is hapa-Chinese in Atlanta and yes, she is really hapa since the show filmed when she visited her Chinese family in California. Other than that, the only Asians are the sushi chefs, nail artists and the pattern makers and sewers who "assist" with these ladies fashion lines.

The next series will be set in Washington DC and one of the housewives will be that blondie with the red sari who was the univited guest Obama's party with her husband. Clearly, she has met the sole requirement to be on the show - desire to be a fame-whore.

Perhaps if Hawaii 5-0 blows up, Bravo will turn it's attention to our beautiful state to cast for Real Housewives of Honolulu? MTV is presently casting for an Asian American version of the Jersey Shore, so why not? Is there a typical type of woman who is a "real" Hawaii housewife? I bet you'll recognize some of these....

LOLO SPORTS WIFE

Occupation: Year round team mother for each of her 5 kids' teams.

Lives in: Mililani or Kapolei

Attire: Polo with the logo of one of her kids' teams, shorts, visor, shoes without socks, and giant refillable Big Gulp container (with a straw). Wears this all day, every day.

Car of Choice: Toyota Sienna with back window covered with soccer, baseball and other sports-related stickers

Skills: She knows where every bathroom is at every park on the island and how to get there without going on the freeway. She also knows which McDonalds will give you free juice and ice. She is never without a giant tupperware container of 50 individually wrapped, handmade spam musubi and a first aid kit.

Why you should be her friend: Always has something in her car from Costco to cover for you when you forget to bring snacks

Why you should not be her friend: Always selling some kind of fundraising ticket

HIGH MAKA MAKA WIFE

Occupation: Chairing a gala honoring some worthy old fut around town and shopping for accessories to wear with a new gown for one of the galas

Lives in: Waialae (nouveau riche) or Kahala (old money)

Attire: Purchased from the stores at Ala Moana that only the Japanese tourists shop at

Car of Choice: Range Rover if she is haole or giant Lexus SUV if she is Asian even though she only has one child or no children and never hauls her own groceries home

Skills: She can coordinate a sit-down banquet for 1000 people in less than a day while wearing 6 inch custom Jimmy Choos without breaking a sweat or an ankle. She can identify the town's heavy hitters and politicos by sight and by reputation and has enough dirt on them to make them cough up the big bucks for her favorite causes. She knows CPR and will use it as she has had to use it on her first three husbands, all of whom were at least 20 years older than her.

Why you should be her friend: Her house has a pool and feels like you are "doing her a favor" by taking last year's Chanel off of her hands

Why you should not be her friend: She'll expect you to assist her with events, which translates to do anything that involves getting out of the car and carrying something or picking things up in "undesirable" areas (anywhere west of Kahala Mall)

DING DING MUSHI WIFE
Occupation: Works a normal job during the day but spends all her free time trying to find a boyfriend or her next husband

Lives in: Upscale condo in Ward (if no kids) or in a home that was part of divorce settlement (with kids)

Attire: Low cut chichi-baring shirt, skin-tight stretch jeans or short black skirt with fishnet panty hose. Bra and panty from Victoria's Secret "just in case"

Car of Choice: Bright red Toyota camry with "Yes, I'm single" bumper sticker

Skills: Knows what the monthly fee is for every online dating service and the minimum amount of months for membership. Can detect any single guy with a job within a 50 mile radius. Can put make-up on in the car while driving and texting, even at night. Has seen every episode of Sex in the City 5 times and can recite the lines to the two movies.

Why you should be her friend: It's always a lot more fun to go out with her to the clubs and just "watching" the dance of the single folks then going out for an evening of monku-ing and eating with your married friends

Why you should not be her friend: Your cousin will never forgive you for setting him up with her

KOO KOO FOR K-DRAMA WIFE

Occupation: Watching Korean Soap Operas all day and taping them for her friends who work or have real lives

Lives In: Manoa or Kaimuki

Attire: Covered in buttons featuring her favorite leading Korean actors

Car of Choice: Hyundai because Bae Young Joon did the commercial in Korea

Skills: Can rattle off the schedule for every Korean tv station on cable no matter what the day or time by memory. Knows enough Korean to make sure your order is correct when you buy something to eat at the Palama Market food court and to identify what is what in the kim chee buffet at the store. Has a DVD collection more extensive than Netflix and will even deliver to your home too.

Why you should be her friend: Knows all of the spoilers for every show so you don't have to waste your time watching them.

Why you should not be her friend: You'll be even more of a couch potato then you are now

CRUNCHY GRANOLA WIFE

Occupation: Organic farmer, hemp weaver, aura reader and modern day hippie-dippie

Lives in: a caretakers cottage on an estate in Tantalus or giant beachside home in Lanikai

Attire: Handmade versions of Stevie Nick's handkerchief dresses or a one piece bathing suit/leotard with pareo ensemble

Car of Choice: Old VW bus, giant diesel Mercedes or hybrid anything

Skills: Can make a complete meal out of a handful of mung beans, a cup of soy milk and a papaya. Always willing and able to come and teach tie dye or macrame to your kid's class at school no matter how last minute. Is close, personal friends with every performer at Kokua Fest. Will gladly share her worms with you when the ones in your compost bin die from lack of scraps. Will adopt any stray animal you find.

Why you should be her friend: Ample supply of medicinal marijuana

Why you should not be her friend: BO from her unshaven underarms after a session of Bikram's yoga are toxic to your health

Uh, these are totally FICTIONAL women and not based on anyone I know. Hope that covers my okole.