A Bad Week to be Asian

It definitely was a bad week to be of the Asian persuasion, at least if you are on television anyway.

I have been anti-The Fashion Show since Rico got cut. I know he was an arrogant SOB but I loved his work. If I was a taller, thinner version of me (like a Stretch Armstrong doll stretched to the max), I would wear everything he designed. He was just an amazing maniacal egotistical talented designer who could put together something without breaking a glisten. He was slammed every week for not knowing his history but come on, his stuff was great. At this week's reunion and annoucement of the winner show, the issue was raised whether the show was RACIST. Everyone gasped and looked stunned that the R card would be played but I do feel that race was an issue. It happened with Project Runway with Michael Knight whose work was criticized as not being "street enough". If you are a person of color, you'd better stick to what mainstream consumer fashionistas believe is your correct culture or that other girl from Destiny's Child will diss you majorly.

But I digress...

Once Rico was cut, I was pulling for James Paul who was the tiny Asian guy with the unidentifiable accent, the nerdy black glasses and the penchant for indigenous cultures and geometric shapes (how much more YELLOW can you get than someone who is short, slight, nearsighted and likes math). I could actually see myself wearing most of his slightly bizarro contemporary museum-esq pieces. They were really cool and a bit, no a lot off center. If you wore them, people would assume you were artsy. Plus, pretty much everything was black. Besides the penchant I have for sparkly white eyeshadow, all of the other body adornment I prefer is black. Yes, I admit it, if I had my way (and didn't have kids who protest too much), I would be one of those goth chicks with the black lipstick, nails, eyeshadow (sparkly though) living a life of complete angst.

James Paul's collection was S and M meets rice paddy. His inspiration was clearly discernable - the indigenous farming people of Asia - but the bondage theme was also visible. I mean, what other designer do you know who would make sure they ordered their B and D gear from peasant women in India? I LOVED LOVED LOVED everything he put out in his show and knew that there was no chance that he would win. There was no way that mainstream America would buy it because it was too ethnic and too edgy.

I also knew that Daniella blew it when she tacked on those plastic shoulder pads on her outfits that looked like leftovers from a Halloween costume or someone's prosthetic leg.

Was anyone surprised that old sourpuss Anna won? I know in a few months, every white woman you know will be wearing a dress with a bottom that looks like a black and white pumpkin. It was a totally safe, uninspiring, boring collection and that sealed the deal.

They should invite all of the gay guys from the Fashion Show (even Isaac) to go on Project Runway. Maybe do an all gay season with Jay and his colorful knitwear, Austin Scarlett, Merlin, Rico and the rest? That would be worth watching.

Maybe they can do a lesbian version with all of the Top Chef contestants?

Besides James Paul, also sailing down the Yellow River of Peril was my friend ARW's new object of affection, Roy Yamaguchi. Roy was on Top Chef Masters and just had a Hiroshima flashback (he BOMBED). Oh, that is a terrible reference but it is true.

I knew Roy was screwed when he discovered there was no shoyu in the pantry for his quickfire dish. That was the moment I knew this was not going to be pretty. You know how us Yellow folk are - totally disoriented when we are in a land without shoyu or white rice. It is like you dropped us in the Mojave Dessert blindfolded.

It was so so so KAWAISO to watch him fumble around in the kitchen but even moreso when the chef's went to Whole Foods to put together a mystery box of ingredients (the challenge was to cook using the items in a mystery box put together by another chef). Here was the kamisama of celebrity chefs aimlessly wandering around in a quest for cheese. Maybe this was a whole karma thing about Asians staying away from dairy products? At that point, I couldn't even watch, it was just too pathetic.

Everyone else made these elaborate, complete meals but all poor Roy could come up with was come charcoal looking kal bi and some mahimahi with lemon grass. It looked like leftovers from one of those cheapy lunch wagons that don't have signs on them and charge you for containers. In other words, it was really really bad. As you can guess, he came in last place.

My friend ARW was so upset. I mean, he had momentarily replaced her last object of yellow fever, General Shintani, and here he had lost.

Well, I'm sure it is of great consolation to know that you have 37 restaurants where people will pay big bucks to eat kal bi and mahimahi. I'm sure none of those other guys cooked dinner for Gene Simmons in their home or plays the drums. How cool is that?

Plus, he's a friend of my totally cool kotonk friend, BS.

Thanks to Jon Gosselin for sealing the total tanking of Asian power by showing up with another media-hungry blonde on his arm.

Where is Ongina when you need her?